do you have that too?

well holy hell.

I just wrote this massive post and *poof* it’s gone.  probably just as well because it was only bitching, moaning and confirming that I should probably be committed to the loony bin.

Yes it’s been a while…

But I am NOT off program, no way!  I had an 800g loss the last time I weighed in!

I did however totally forget to weigh myself last Saturday.  We had an open house at home (we are trying to sell our apartment) so I was extremely busy Friday/Saturday morning cleaning, cleaning, cleaning EVERYTHING…  Since I w/i on Sat. mornings I thought I would just wait until THIS Saturday. I went to the gym… ONCE… well I have good excuses, really!  It’s just been very busy at home, plus I have had evening appts at my therapist AND psychiatrist (yes, psychiatrist).  This week I wanted to go Tues and Thurs, but R’s mum had another (little) stroke and so we are going to see her (she lives in a home – she had a big stroke several years ago) on those nights.  I have to say, R’s mum IS more important than the gym right now.  I have a diagnosis from my therapist and psychiatrist – they both agree I have PTSD.  Think that’s strange?  It’s not really – it’s not only for those who have served in battle.  I’ve had my own battles since I was around 10.  Basically everything that ever bothered me, which I didn’t allow myself to feel or talk about hit me like a ton of bricks almost 3 years ago.   In a way, I’m relieved.  Basically, I could NOT figure out WHY I was so depressed for SO long.  I mean, it’s not normal to have such a rollercoaster depression, be on meds, for more than 2 years and NOT see any light at the end of the tunnel.  So, anyway, that’s also another reason I hadn’t really posted – I had a bad couple of weeks. I seem to be on an up now, so let’s up I have this for a few weeks to make up for the bad!

well, that’s funny!

I didn’t gain anything at all actually.

I thought I weighed 98KG on the 2nd of September.  Silly me, I just checked my OWN stats page and I weighed 98.5KG.  So, I stayed EXACTLY the same, even though I had an emotionally off program disasterous week!

I feel even better now! 

Week 2 = Disaster, Week 3 = Recover

Well, not completely.

Though I have to say, I have very serious issues being in control with ME / my BODY / My WEIGHT when I am emotionally struggling.  My issues last week with my mother really sent me out of control mentally.  We pretty much went at each other for a few days.  I went to my doctor even on Friday to explain what had happened to get advise from her on what to do next.  I mean, I’m already on a/d’s, why am I still SO out of control at times.  Well, she referred me to a psychiatrist.  This made me sad of course because I just want to be “normal” and unfortunately I haven’t been normal for going on three years now, which, well, sucks, to be honest.

Anyway, after being pretty much “off” program, I still faced the music on Saturday and lo and behold, only a 500gr gain.  I’m grateful for this!  I mean, honestly it could have been so much worse!  I was really pleased to see that 98 staring up at me from the scale, even if there was a .5 after it!

I may not have all the coping skills I need just yet, but at the least I know I’m true enough to myself to keep going forward.  Losing weight is simply NOT an option for me anymore.  I don’t want to be overweight and therefore I have to WORK to reach my goals.

That said, Week 3 started on Saturday:

Sat - we went over to a colleague of R’s for dinner.  So basically my intake was great until dinner.  I estimated at around 13 points over.

Sun - actually was really good.  I calculated, weighed, measured, everything and then… forgot I had a Pria Bar so I ended up 3 points over.  That’s 16 points I need to balance out the rest of this week!  Doh!

Today - so far so good.  Am well pleased with myself.  Worked out this morning already, 34 min on the elliptical, 250 cals.  Food’s good too.  Plan for dins is R’s pasta, which I calculated the points on the last time he made it.  I may just do the elliptical again to try and earn more bonus points for the week.  It’s not like it’s so difficult really.

Back to work and perhaps to the coffee machine!!  Mondays!

Everying in my life is UP or DOWN

First I want to say many thanks for the birthday wishes and the comments!  Yay, I have comments!!

Secondly…  I lost control a couple of days ago.  Normal for a birthday which falls in the weekend?  Maybe, I’ll give myself a break there for sure.  Saturday was actually an excellent day all the way up until dinner.  We had wine, cake and other hapjes to eat at the party.  I planned on working out on Sunday for some damage control.

Sunday I had a hangover!  This doesn’t happen to me that often (anymore) because, even though I do enjoy my wine, I try to keep control of it.  Not Saturday apparently!!  So Sunday I was a bit of a wreck belly and head-wise.

Sunday was my birthday.  Mood-wise I’ve been very UP lately… around 10pm R mentioned to me that it was “wierd” that I hadn’t heard from anyone in my family.  After all, isn’t that what families do?  At least send you a birthday wish on your day?   I mean, I know I’m a gazillion miles away but there’s this thing call the internet, extremely handy when wanting to send an email or chat on MSN.

So my whole mood shifts.  I start getting angry about the situation.  I checked my email - a ha!  An email from my stepmother, the one who keeps in touch with me regularly.  My dad, eh, I’m not too bothered anymore, I’m so used to it.  But, my mother…

You see, last week, conincidentally right after I’d been to my therapist, I recieved an email from my mother which I felt the very first sentance was having a bit of a “dig” at me.  I have a strained relationship with my mother and I feel she is a guilt-tripper, amongst other things.  Anyway, I wrote back to her, in my nicest manner (because you see, if I say anything that could be construed as negative or criticising, she flips out), but still mention that I didn’t like her beginning comment, that there was no value-added.

She wrote me back, bent out of shape, as I predicted.

I wrote her back, in fact, saying, “OK let’s start over again”.  It was very nice, I apologised and tried to explain what I meant.  That was last week Thursday. 

Friday, no response. OK, give her some time to think about it.  Saturday, no response - I even checked work mail in case she sent a response there.  Sunday, no response.

Sunday.  My birthday.  Is it really a big deal?  Well, by Monday it was.

Monday.  The anger has set in.  In fact I’m nearing “rage” level.  This happens sometimes.  I’m not completely well, which is why I’m on anti-depressants AND seeing a therapist.  I picked the wrong day to stop smoking and drinking that was for sure.   I shouldn’t have done it, but…

I wrote her an over the top enraged email.  And then I drank my dinner and smoked more cigarettes than I intended to.

But I got her attention.  Not exactly the way I wanted it though.  Yesterday I was almost BLIND with rage.  R had to call my doctor, I tried to get in touch with my therapist to no avail… talking about it helped a bit, and I had another guilt induced email from my mother when I arrived home.  I let her have “my” side of things again.  Calmer this time, but still angry.

I’m not sure what to do now.  I had another message this morning and I just though “eh. whatever.  it just shows me that you are not really ‘hearing’ the message here.”  (She has a tendancy to not listen).  I feel strangely OK.  I’m not as angry because some of what I’ve wanted to say for years was unleashed.  Not fairly though, I do realise that.

In a nutshell - Sat/Sun/Mon points were not good.  Didn’t even journal.  Yesterday back in control.  Points went down to 21 (22 over 100KG), yesterday I had exactly 21 points.

Up and Down.  I don’t like it, but that’s the way it is right now.  My weight, my moods, my emotions, my zin in life.

Did I mention I love my WW Program?

Seriously, what a huge help it has been for me!

Week 1 has been very successful for me!  I have exercised, weighed and measured, eaten my fruit and veggies, drank my water…  and I lost:

2 KG !!!!!!

 

yes it’s true boys and girls, after 4 weeks of almost nothing, being enlightened by just one week of weight watchers I lost 2KG.  I’m a very proud woman, if you can imagine

I worked out 3 times this week, 30 minutes each on the elliptical.  Today I already worked out for 45 minutes - my birthday is tomorrow and I wanted to “earn” my cake first

One wish I had for my birthday was to be under 100KG.  Well, with a bit of effort my wish came true.  I would love to be under 97.5KG before the 21st - that’s the date I started WW in 1999.  I am very sure I will accomplish this goal!

I know that I won’t lose 2KG every week, but I’m definitely going to do my best and see what each week brings me.

My Stats from the program:

TOTAL POINTS FOR THE WEEK: 154
EARNED BONUS POINTS: 6
TOTAL ACTUAL POINTS USED: 165
POINTS OVER/UNDER FOR THE WEEK: 6
START BMI: 36.9
CURRENT BMI: 36.2

Never Fear

No worries, all is well here.

The past few days have been great, I’m REALLY digging my WW program!  I wrote a post yesterday and it was somehow lost in cyberspace and I didn’t have the patience or time to write it up again.  It was basically to say that everything is going well.

I wanted to keep up my exercise momentum:  I exercised Saturday, Monday and the plan was to do so yesterday, but I got busy paying (or not paying) bills and then had some stress to deal with and then… well all excuses really, I didn’t do it.  However, I have some ideas now on how to solve my monetary issues so it’s not like I was just lying around on the couch avoiding all aspects of my life and drowning in a pool of CSI Miami…  (that was later).

I have therapy tonight - another €60 per week expense… but nonetheless worth the investment.  After all nothing wrong with improving myself physically AND mentally!

R is pressuring me a little bit about what I want to do for my birthday.  I understand that HE already feels pressure to arrange things so I could help by giving him a few ideas!  Only problem is I just don’t know! I don’t have a lot of friends in Arnhem, a few people I do know are on holiday, and then the rest is R’s family.  Anyone ever been to a Dutch birthday party? 

Kimberly’s (Fat Girl, Interrupted) post today got me thinking about my motivation for losing weight.  I’m going to think about this and then post what I’ve come up with later.

And now, back to my regularly scheduled program… work!

ooh! another thing to be obsessed with!

OK, this is just awesome (sorry, to sound so 80’s)!  I’m totally digging this Flexipoints program!  Check this out!

1 sneetje Abdijbrood 1.5
1 vrije portie Alfalfa 0.0
1 kleine Banaan 1.0
1 vrije portie Broccoli 0.0
4 eetlepels Cottage cheese 2.0
1 vrije portie Knoflook 0.0
1 vrije portie Koriander 0.0
2 koffielepels Lijnzaad 1.5
1 glas Melk, halfvol 2.0
1 vrije portie Peper, wit/zwart 0.0
1,5 vrije portie Perzik 0.0
4 eetlepels Rijst, alle soorten, gekookt 2.0
1 vrije portie Sambal, alle soorten 0.0
1 vrije portie Tomaat 0.0
4 stuks Walnoten 2.0
1 bowl Weetabix Crispy Bran 2.0
1 portie Zalm 5.0
1 vrije portie Zout, alle soorten 0.0

So cool!!

Enlightenment

So, even after pizza and wine last night, I decided to just be honest with myself, get on the scale this morning and report my weight.  Having lost a pound (500g - ok bit more than an actual pound) in a month brings one to think about what they’ve been doing and why the results are not at least a smidge better.  So I started looking into my WW “boodschappengids”  that I bought the last time I checked into a WW meeting and remembered that I had the points plan installed on my computer.  Alas, I needed the CD to access the program and since we’ve been packing things and putting them in storage no one knows where anything is anymore (but hey, R found several Rammstein CD’s that I had been looking for!).

R is lovely and always wants to help.  He loves me the way I am and thinks I’m the sexiest creature on the planet, but at the same time knows how much my weight bothers me.  So he did his “thing” on the computer (whatever - I know it’s illegal but, come on!) and found me the new Flexipoints program (in Dutch, so I am on the right program) to install on my computer.

Imagine my surprise as I entered all my “superfoods” with point values into the food diary and found that my standard breakfast is 8.5 points!  Yikes!  So as to not panic, throw in the towel and say “screw it!” I decided NOW was the time to plan for dinner, then I would know how many points I had for lunch.  Clever girl, eh?

How I “only” get 22 points a day is really beyond me though… it seems so… little.  I realise this sounds a little greedy and I must really turn that attitude around.  I can count myself lucky that we don’t count a lot of things like fruit and veg (only some have point values) and we now have a “free” portion of pasta, for example for 4 points, whereas in the States they have to count EVERYTHING.  While I don’t want to load up on pasta, I could have wholegrain pasta instead of bread somedays and that would give me more variety.

It’s funny, you want to eat HEALTHY, NUTRITIOUS foods that will do something good for your body, yet things like olive oil, nuts and seeds, etc., have SO many point values.  How does one lose weight AND get all the nutrients they desire?

I’m going to have a good think now, what we are going to eat tomorrow and THEN go to the supermarket to get the groceries we need.  R is desperate for some chile con carne - need to figure out how to work that into the plan.

* * * * * * * * *

is it bad, thinking that I *only* have 6.5points left for today I want to skip lunch so I can have wine tonight????  bad, bad kitty!

* * * * * * * * *

woot!  I just earned myself 2 points for my elliptical - 30 min/ 215cals!  Go me!

Gargoyle, more coffee!!

Sorry but today I’m definitely drinking coffee.  It probably doesn’t really help, but if it helps in my mind, so be it.

I’m freaking exhausted.  I just got my visit from Auntie Flo.  She didn’t come around for awhile as I had a medical order against her, but all that has been cleared up and now she is back in full force.  It’s OK.  It’s good to know that I’m as “normal” as “normal” could be, in this sense anyway, but geez, she wears me out!

I shouldn’t have done it - this morning I went on the scale.  I should have just WAITED until Saturday, but no, I’m an impatient cow.  What did I see?  500 grams gain.  That’s right.  GAIN.  I knew AF was coming and I still got on the damn scale.  Glutton for punishment.

I’m skipping exercise tonight and will go for session 3 (this week) tomorrow.  Luckily I only work half a day on Fridays.  I’ve only had wine once this week.  My food has been on the upper side of pretty good.  I think I need to start measuring again too.  Maybe make a list of the “common” items and stick it on the wall in the kitchen.  Something to think about and prepare for.

Suppose I should do some work now.