Everying in my life is UP or DOWN
First I want to say many thanks for the birthday wishes and the comments! Yay, I have comments!!
Secondly… I lost control a couple of days ago. Normal for a birthday which falls in the weekend? Maybe, I’ll give myself a break there for sure. Saturday was actually an excellent day all the way up until dinner. We had wine, cake and other hapjes to eat at the party. I planned on working out on Sunday for some damage control.
Sunday I had a hangover! This doesn’t happen to me that often (anymore) because, even though I do enjoy my wine, I try to keep control of it. Not Saturday apparently!! So Sunday I was a bit of a wreck belly and head-wise.
Sunday was my birthday. Mood-wise I’ve been very UP lately… around 10pm R mentioned to me that it was “wierd” that I hadn’t heard from anyone in my family. After all, isn’t that what families do? At least send you a birthday wish on your day? I mean, I know I’m a gazillion miles away but there’s this thing call the internet, extremely handy when wanting to send an email or chat on MSN.
So my whole mood shifts. I start getting angry about the situation. I checked my email - a ha! An email from my stepmother, the one who keeps in touch with me regularly. My dad, eh, I’m not too bothered anymore, I’m so used to it. But, my mother…
You see, last week, conincidentally right after I’d been to my therapist, I recieved an email from my mother which I felt the very first sentance was having a bit of a “dig” at me. I have a strained relationship with my mother and I feel she is a guilt-tripper, amongst other things. Anyway, I wrote back to her, in my nicest manner (because you see, if I say anything that could be construed as negative or criticising, she flips out), but still mention that I didn’t like her beginning comment, that there was no value-added.
She wrote me back, bent out of shape, as I predicted.
I wrote her back, in fact, saying, “OK let’s start over again”. It was very nice, I apologised and tried to explain what I meant. That was last week Thursday.
Friday, no response. OK, give her some time to think about it. Saturday, no response - I even checked work mail in case she sent a response there. Sunday, no response.
Sunday. My birthday. Is it really a big deal? Well, by Monday it was.
Monday. The anger has set in. In fact I’m nearing “rage” level. This happens sometimes. I’m not completely well, which is why I’m on anti-depressants AND seeing a therapist. I picked the wrong day to stop smoking and drinking that was for sure. I shouldn’t have done it, but…
I wrote her an over the top enraged email. And then I drank my dinner and smoked more cigarettes than I intended to.
But I got her attention. Not exactly the way I wanted it though. Yesterday I was almost BLIND with rage. R had to call my doctor, I tried to get in touch with my therapist to no avail… talking about it helped a bit, and I had another guilt induced email from my mother when I arrived home. I let her have “my” side of things again. Calmer this time, but still angry.
I’m not sure what to do now. I had another message this morning and I just though “eh. whatever. it just shows me that you are not really ‘hearing’ the message here.” (She has a tendancy to not listen). I feel strangely OK. I’m not as angry because some of what I’ve wanted to say for years was unleashed. Not fairly though, I do realise that.
In a nutshell - Sat/Sun/Mon points were not good. Didn’t even journal. Yesterday back in control. Points went down to 21 (22 over 100KG), yesterday I had exactly 21 points.
Up and Down. I don’t like it, but that’s the way it is right now. My weight, my moods, my emotions, my zin in life.
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